Episode 2
On Getting Tested for an STD
Recently, Old Man Brown had to visit the hospital to get some stitches, and it reminded him of the time he had to get checked for a STD when he was a teen.
Being Old Man Brown though (or young man Brown, at this stage), some miscommunication and lack of clear instruction leads to a not-so-simple procedure.
Transcript
Hullo there, it's me again..
Old Man Brown:Ah, sorry.
Old Man Brown:It's been a while since we spoke.
Old Man Brown:Remember ah told you ah wiz going to see a wee man aboot a thing,
Old Man Brown:turns oot that thing got me in the hospital and be five stitches.
Old Man Brown:I'm not going to tell you aboot it right noo, but I will visit that
Old Man Brown:sometime because Jesus Christ, that was an adventure and a half.
Old Man Brown:Anyways, when I was in the hospital
Old Man Brown:it reminded me of that time when I was a wee bairn, when I was a teenager and I
Old Man Brown:was in the prime of my youth, by the way.
Old Man Brown:And I'd maybe had, like about sex with the fourth girl, my young life at the time.
Old Man Brown:And my dad had always says to me, Hey, you got to look after yourself
Old Man Brown:and look at what you're doing.
Old Man Brown:wi' yir willy.
Old Man Brown:So I thought I better go get checked for an STD, ken what I mean?
Old Man Brown:No' that I thought ah hud STD or anything, but I was just telling him, you have
Old Man Brown:to go and check and what have you.
Old Man Brown:So anyways, I called my neighbor who lived across the street from me, and he's maybe
Old Man Brown:three years older than me at the time.
Old Man Brown:And I asked him, I've gotta make an appointment and get checked for STD.
Old Man Brown:What dae ah dae?
Old Man Brown:And he says dinnae worry aboot it, all they dae is take a sperm sample,
Old Man Brown:swab yir dick, check your blood and that's it, yir good to go there lad.
Old Man Brown:So I went and I was pretty prepared us, like pretty good to go.
Old Man Brown:You know what I mean?
Old Man Brown:So anyways, I get in there and there's an old lady, I think she's maybe called
Old Man Brown:Irene or Dawn or something like that.
Old Man Brown:Ah'm no' sure.
Old Man Brown:So she takes me to the bathroom and says, okay, you go in here.
Old Man Brown:So I was thinking, ah, is this the cheap, eh, is this the cheap stalls hen?
Old Man Brown:I was thinking maybe like a sofa and everything ken what ah mean?
Old Man Brown:Anyways.
Old Man Brown:I was thinking I've got to go to the toilet and I've got to do my choking my
Old Man Brown:chicken thing, but I guess that's what you do when you've got tae dae it, right?
Old Man Brown:So I'm looking aroond for some porno and I can't find any I was.
Old Man Brown:And then magazines.
Old Man Brown:And I was always ae the impression that ye git porno when you go
Old Man Brown:to these kinds of things, ken?
Old Man Brown:Nae porno there, if you know, I mean, So, okay, right, nae bother
Old Man Brown:tae me, I've got a good imagination.
Old Man Brown:Oh, I'll be there daein' mah thing.
Old Man Brown:So there I am,
Old Man Brown:I'm going, I'm going for Scotland.
Old Man Brown:I'm doing the Kenny Dalglish, I'm daein' everything.
Old Man Brown:Ah'm the Archie Gemmill going for the Holland goal, I mean,
Old Man Brown:in first year I saw, and this is two minutes then I guess, Archie
Old Man Brown:Gemmill's got a wee bit still go Ken.
Old Man Brown:So I thought I'm not going back out there.
Old Man Brown:If I go back there, she's going to look at me.
Old Man Brown:And she's going to think.
Old Man Brown:I'm glad you're not my boyfriend two minutes.
Old Man Brown:Is that the best you go?
Old Man Brown:So I stayed back there anyway.
Old Man Brown:I dunno, maybe 10 minutes or so.
Old Man Brown:And then I, I closed up the thing, closed up the wee bottle thing and
Old Man Brown:that's it pull mah wee pants up.
Old Man Brown:And then I went and saw the lady.
Old Man Brown:So she gets me back again and she takes me over to this
Old Man Brown:wee sort of hallway she's walking doon there.
Old Man Brown:And she's looking at the bottle and I'm looking at her saying, don't do me.
Old Man Brown:Don't make me do again.
Old Man Brown:It's like, I've just done my best in there.
Old Man Brown:You know, I've done for Scotland, I should get an Oscar for
Old Man Brown:my sexual bravado in there.
Old Man Brown:She's looking in this bottle and she shakes it, and then she
Old Man Brown:turns and looks at me in disgust.
Old Man Brown:And then she's like saying, son, you're only meant to pee in here and I'm thinking
Old Man Brown:yir joking, ye want me to pee in there?
Old Man Brown:But I assume, and she's looking, she's got my jizz in a cup and she's like,
Old Man Brown:look at me, like, I'm a fucking pervert.
Old Man Brown:I'm thinking, what are you blaming me for?
Old Man Brown:You didn't tell me I just had to pee in there - you says here, you
Old Man Brown:guys an STD, just go do your thing.
Old Man Brown:And I'm thinking.
Old Man Brown:Well, if you've got it, tell me that I've got a STD.
Old Man Brown:You have to see my junk and you have to see my stuff inside, ken.
Old Man Brown:Oh, I'm thinking it was maybe her fault too, because if you assume that I ken
Old Man Brown:what you mean and I ken, what you assume that you mean I ken, then one ae us is
Old Man Brown:going to get jizz over the place, ken?
Old Man Brown:Anyways, if you like the show, don't forget.
Old Man Brown:Check it oot on the Aipple and on the pot, pot, Spotify, whatever.
Old Man Brown:Ah, it out there and just enjoy it.
Old Man Brown:So until the next time lads, see you soon, eh.
